Humour
Genealogy Humour
Susie Lee fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about it all,
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, "Susy gal,
you'll have to find another;
I'd just as soon yer Maw don't know,
but Joe is your half-brother."
So Susy fergot about her Joe,
and planned to marry Will.
But after tellin' Pappy this,
he said, "There's trouble still."
"Ye cain't marry Will, my gal;
an' please don't tell yer mother,
cause Will an' Joe an' several mo'
I know is yer half-brother."
But Mama knew --- and said, "My chile,
jis' do what makes yer happy"
marry Will or marry Joe ---
you ain't no kin to Pappy!"
Irish Humour
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Tyrone, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows,
but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again.
The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" "Tis odd, isn't it?"
The man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are
offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know -- the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past them old
graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God
bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean,"here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here
that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
Scottish Humour
Three men, an Englishman, a Canadian and a Scotsman enter a pub in Glasgow and each orders a glass of single malt whisky. Just as the barman is serving the drinks, three flies swoop in and fall in the drinks - plop, plop, plop. The Englishman takes one look and hands his glass back to the barman for a new drink. The Canadian picks the fly out of his drink, throws it over his shoulder and proceeds to consume his drink. The Scotsman firmly seizes the fly in his drink, shakes it several times over the glass and exclaims "Spit it out, you little bugger, spit it out!".
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